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The Obituary

by kelpi

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1.
Pearls 04:00
Growing up is more than drinks and parties And letting a boy see you without your clothes People don’t grow like hair and nails but Like expanding cities, buildings, and roads It’s not about getting to the finish line first Finding a job and a man, a mortgage, see, It’s about liking yourself and where you are Life’s not a chain, it’s a tapestry And people don’t dry like paint, they go back and forth Going out won’t make us like staying in less or more It’s not black and white, we were given eyes To see shades of grey and rainbows in the sky One girl can have a drink, snuggle up, and sing Heavy metal ballads and sitcom themes And the world won’t stop: it keeps going I will always prefer a piano bench over a barstool But that doesn’t mean I’m swearing off liquor You can’t write songs just by reading books Sipping on life is so much quicker And the world wasn’t just built for two Life’s not an ad on Craigslist for one bedroom People can’t be shamed just for marching forward We can’t wait around once we’re ready to move And people don’t dry like paint, they go back and forth Staying in won’t make us like going out less or more It’s not this or that, we were given lives To spend with old friends and meet with newer minds One girl can wear high heels, join the football team Flirt with all the guys, get a PhD And the world won’t stop: it keeps going People don’t live in two dimensions, no We are Rubik’s cubes, we are 3D And change is terrifying, But what’s scarier is not changing. Take these pearls and see That people don’t live like that, we don’t age like wine How you live might be different from how I live mine We’re not yin and yang, but a Venn diagram Crossing paths again and again and again and again And people don’t dry like paint, they go back and forth Going out won’t make us like staying in less or more It’s not black and white, we were given eyes To see shades of grey and rainbows in the sky One girl can smoke a joint, write a novel Tweet seven times a day, help her mother clean Make out with her friends while a bit tipsy Stay at home and watch some late-night TV And the world won’t stop: it keeps going…
2.
Black Sheep 03:25
Mary-Jane was feeling stuck Tired of all that brought her up It took her by the throat and dragged her down There were roads she was thrown upon Even though she had built her own Daddy’s girl, but down inside she’s grey How could Mary-Jane search for herself When they all wanted someone else? Still nobody could spark a care in her She’ll try to pay up all her fares She’ll try to make it work out for a reason But she was blank, and bare If only they could see her Now her voice rings raw and true But still her head stays so confused They said they could empathize: impossible A block away and she was lost All things chaotic happening all at once Her black sheep wool was out of bounds, it hurt With time she’s learned to sleep at night But she’s so lost in a firefight Still they could feed her lies, but she saw the truth She’ll try to pay up all her fares She’ll try to make it work out for a reason But she was blank, and bare If only they believed her But they knew little root to her pain They couldn’t grab the rope to understand it It happened again and again If only it was better On again and on again they’d laugh as she talked But soon within the future they’d immediately stop They couldn’t comprehend why Mary-Jane’s blue She had to say goodbye to escape solitude If only she wore white wool (She wouldn’t stand out from the herd, she’d be heard) If only she wore white wool (She has black wool, look at what you’re doing to her) If only she wore white wool Her black sheep wool was out of bounds, it hurt She’ll try to pay up all her fares She’ll try to make it work out for a reason But she was blank and bare And she finally lost it, had to say “If only I could break this circle If only I could find some goddamn peace Why am I the black sheep? If only it wasn’t you, no If only it wasn’t this.”
3.
Tony Stark 04:08
Did not take long for me to know that you were a superhero It's funny, looking back Took way too long to realize that I am swimming in lies And I feel sick I'm too much, but I feel wide awake when I'm with you I know, it's too much, but you say it's not And we ran in the dark, I couldn't catch Tony Stark You were built in a cave with a box of scraps, didn't know that much about you I was taking it slow, but were you yes? Were you no? I could swear that I knew when I saw your face when you talked about Iron Man 2 I knew We still assemble time to time, and I feel totally fine At least I think so The current frame is nice to read, but the next page terrifies me And I feel sick It's too much, it's like you stuck shrapnel into my heart I knew I was too much, I am And we ran in the dark, I couldn't catch Tony Stark You were built in a cave with a box of scraps, didn't know that much about you I was taking it slow, but were you yes? Were you no? I could swear that I knew when I saw your face when you talked about Iron Man 2 I was ready to burst, but I had to know first You wear your supersuit to keep danger out, but it blocks the good things too I could say that I've learned, but I still feel burned It is all that I want to be Pepper Potts, but I'm pretty sure I'm not It's too much, the city's crumbling, Avengers can't save it I know it's too much, but it's really not And we ran in the dark, couldn't catch Tony Stark You were built in a cave with a box of scraps, didn't know that much about you And if I were to fall, would you notice at all? I could swear that I knew when the silence fell when I said that I loved you
4.
Bound 03:50
On and on I dress in despair But never let my lungs be aware On and on I fight the same fight Convinced my broken bones are alright 'Cause I’m bound by your love And I’m blinded by trust And I can’t stand this theme I was so dumb to dream On and on I feel the sun rise But I can’t look, the sight hurts my eyes On and on I break the ceiling But I can’t stop my head from reeling 'Cause I’m bound by your love And I’m blinded by trust And I can’t stand this theme I was so dumb to dream I am bound, I am bound 'Cause I’m bound by your love But I’m choking on dust And I’m bound by ideals Never learned how to feel 'Cause I’m bound by your love And I’m blinded by trust And I can’t stand this theme I was so dumb to dream On and on I tell you I’m fine Then fall back in an old frame of mind On and on I lie in the dirt Switch and then forget that I hurt
5.
Slut Dress 03:52
Collect yourself and suffer while he moans “Oh that was great, baby. Now find your way back home.” Despite the pain; the dripping bleeding cuts I don’t think that you recall September’s crying slut But now, you’re always on my mind You are always on my mind You never go: a phantom in my fears You’re darkening my door; choose to ignore my tears I can’t go back, throw on a pair of jeans I’ll spend my years obsessing over just what clothing means How I loved that dress I wore I don’t wear it anymore Shuffle all your cards and deal Take your slut dress off and kneel Your filthy mouth ain’t worth your “no no no no no” You got away. Erased right from the earth. And though it’s better that way, it only brings me hurt. Your name’s a curse to cauterize my lungs And I’m pretty sure that mine is never on your tongue Scared of the dark with no flashlight I wish you murdered me that night So ask yourself, realign, how’s your life worth more than mine? I know evil does exist, ‘cause I taste it on your lips Go ahead! Tell your boys about the slutty little toy Tell them how she begged and wept while your morals softly slept Tell your mother that she bled, tell your sister what you said Wash the stains out from your bed while she wishes she was dead I’m okay but I’m still a slut But I’m okay. I’m okay.
6.
My family wept for thirteen hours And we couldn’t sleep, or run, run away When it is spring they bring you flowers But they’ll never bloom ever again My family wept for thirteen hours And some of us still cry every day My aunt sleeps alone. And we haven’t breathed since the day that we wept Lock the door, draw the blinds Hide yourself amongst the memories left behind Shut the attic hatch, dust the halls When the rain is leaking out the fissures in the walls My family wept for thirteen days The first day of June we hated My father said it was his worst day When they gutted the house And the neighbours; they’re asking what’s the matter And they bring us cheap bouquets and deep dish platters And we sit on couches made of leather And we rot inside this empty house together My family wept for thirteen hours Your son started crying over the phone And we couldn’t leave the ivory tower That separates us from the family home Lock the door, draw the blinds Hide yourself amongst the memories left behind Shut the attic hatch, dust the halls When the rain is leaking out the fissures in the walls And my cousins are sleeping in the cellar To escape the howling winds of stormy weather And the garden is feeling pretty lonely Like my family
7.
You don’t need to look no more You don’t need to see my skin I’m a cadaver walking around I am a surgeon’s rag, crumpled on the ground I don’t need stitches, my blood doesn’t flow A sarcomaniac, cutting right to the bone You don’t need to look no more You don’t need to know my skin is sore You think I can let it go But the underbelly’s soft as snow Heard you say you think I’m made of stars But the underbelly is adorned with scars I don’t need shelter, I live in the soil I don’t need Jesus, I’m already anointed with oil Thought you couldn’t be embalmed alive? One little cut and now I’m struggling to survive Heard you say you think I’m made of stone But it’s rigor mortis making me its home You don’t need to look no more You don’t need to know my skin is sore You think I can let it go But the underbelly’s soft as snow You don’t need to see this pain You should probably just look away You think you already know But the underbelly’s soft as snow Heard you say you think I’m made of stars But the underbelly is adorned with scars I am a beating heart beneath the earth Sliced to ribbons but I promise it doesn’t hurt I don’t expect that you could ever know ‘Cause my disgusting underbelly I’ll never show You don’t need to look no more Please don’t witness me with my flesh torn You think I can let it go But the underbelly’s soft as snow Heard you say you think I’m made of stars But the underbelly is adorned with scars
8.
Bloom 03:42
I see you black out the sky because it’s easy to do And then you light up the sun, but only when you want to You perk me up when I’m wilting but you don’t have a clue How it hurts, how it hurts And you give me just enough so that I cannot complain And then you turn a blind eye when I allude to my pain I know you think that I’ll bloom with just the fall of the rain But I won’t, and I don’t And it hurts when you are with me And it hurts when you aren’t And it hurts when you talk to me Because I know your words don’t hold any heart And I wish that it were different Maybe we could take root And I know that you feel sorry And that you’ll never feel the way that I do But I wish that you would You know we’d be better off if you would give up your fear ‘Cause now I’m fucking up the soil with the salt of my tears We’re a perennial: we die and we come back every year But it’s worse, it gets worse I was brave when I told you how I felt about it We had a conversation, but it feels like we never did It’s like you think that I brushed it off and got over it And that hurts, god it hurts And it hurts when you don’t see me And it hurts when you do Even after everything I’ve been through Nothing kills me more than you do And we’re never reaching full bloom We get close and then it falls through Sometimes I wish I never met you But for nothing I would trade you God I think I could die And I should find another garden where it’s easy to grow Maybe with herbs, but flowers are all that I know So now we watch my leaves fall off and decompose And it hurts when you are with me And it hurts when you aren’t And it hurts when you look at me Because I know you don’t see my bleeding heart And we’re never reaching full bloom ‘Cause we die before we get to I’d be better off to leave you But I couldn’t stand to lose you I think I’d rather die Either way I will die
9.
I have never touched a cigarette, my parents told me no They said it’s not a habit they want to pass on, so just don’t But they lit up in the house! Hid round corners in the hall I don’t smoke, but I live inside these yellow-stained walls It gets in my eyes and burns Hope I survive I don’t think that you have got a clue How your smoke diffuses through the room Maybe it’s my fault, I never said That the smell would follow me to bed You have blacked out my lungs Guess it’s just something you never knew You beg me for a light You don’t know what it’s like I have never been distracted by withdrawal in my day I have only felt relief when I finally get away Still they tell me to “relax! It has null to do with you!” Mom and daddy risk their lives but it’s gonna kill me too It gets in my throat and hurts It’s just secondhand smoke I don’t think that you have got a clue How your smoke diffuses through the room I don’t think you really care to know That the smell would permeate my clothes You have blacked out my lungs Guess your one true love is nicotine. Try to quit or get away from me! I don’t think you really understand How much I don’t want to find a man He’ll try to hide his habit but I’ll know 'Cause mom and dad gave me a nose for smoke You have blacked out my lungs Guess it’s just something you never knew
10.
Fish 04:08
Does anybody know how you’re supposed to feel when the waves come crashing down? Does anybody know how you’re supposed to swim when the sea wants you to drown? Do they know? Could they ever know how? They don’t think, yet I hear them speak now Does anybody know if little fish feel pain? Because I don’t believe they do Why does it feel wrong to flush them down the drain, if that’s true? I’ll throw up when I’m rid of it all Can’t grow up, can’t get bigger at all Not alone when I wanted to be Tiny fish felt so separate from me Never was, and was never gonna be But you were. I was there. You had eyes and I saw them with mine Does anybody know what you’re supposed to do when you lose what you don’t want? How can it feel bad to not be feeling sad? But feel hollow when it’s gone? I can’t breathe underwater, you know Far away, I’m stuck watching you float There’s no love in your heart for this Let it go! It was just a fish! You’re so dumb and surprised Don’t you know fish have eyes? Settle down, you’d be sick if they were hazel brown It’s the product of something you wanted And now that it’s died You cry You cry Over a fishy you cry
11.
It’s one of those days Cresting for the fall Running far, gushing hard It’s one of those days Leaving you for dead In your bed, in your head Oh but you won’t ever let you feel you If you just sit Thinking in your head how hard it’s gonna be Dreaming in your mind when you can’t sleep I was running up and down the hallway screaming “Oh my god! There’s something in the house watching me!” And the voices in my head all say I’m crazy But it’s hard to be yourself when you’re sinking through the fog of your own brain But it’s just one of those days It’s one of those days Hands tight on the wheel Too much light, too much feel It’s one of those days Taking six pills Tremble hard....still Oh but you won’t ever let you hurt you If you just move Thinking in your head how hard it’s gonna be Dreaming in your mind when you can’t sleep I was running up and down the hallway screaming “Oh my god! There’s something in the house watching me!” And the voices in my head all say I’m crazy But it’s hard to be yourself when you’re sinking through the fog of your own brain But it’s just one of those days It’s just one of those days Oh but you won’t ever let you break you If you run Thinking in your head, oh heaven save me I have no one in the world who fucking loves me I was locking all the doors and gritting my teeth I was shaking on the floor, I don’t know happy And the voices egg me on with thoughts and memories Of the times when they ignored my texts and feelings Of the crippling hurt and pain But it’s just one of those days.
12.
Gold 03:32
He's got this vigor, so rare for one to behold When I first saw him, the space around him turned gold He doesn't see it, he thinks he's common, he doesn't know He's known unbearable pain, at the end of his rope He copes by filling his body with Advil and dope Such an unusual smile, it's flawless, I've told him so But he still thinks he's copper So he'll settle for a copper soul But he's gold They spend him like a penny, but he's more than they can afford He's gold, he's gold He's El Dorado-born He's gold, he's gold, he's gold But he refuses to know Her mother tells her she walks with power and grace I see the gleam of it on her strange pretty face Her molten eyes burn like chocolate, ribbons of liquid gold She sees the beauty in every heart but her own Her twisted vision lives in her veins and her bones This gilded creature; she glistens, and I know that she's been told But she still thinks she's copper So she settles for these copper souls But she's gold They spend her like a penny, but she's more than they can afford She's gold, she's gold She's El Dorado-born She's gold, she's gold, she's gold But she refuses to know They talk about me like I'm as soothing as rain I don't believe them, I think they must be insane Wish they could see that they're better in all ways, but no, they don't ‘Cause they still think they're copper So they settle for copper souls But they're gold They self-define as pennies, but they're more than I can afford They're gold, they're gold They're El-Dorado born They're gold, they're gold, they're gold But they just don't want to know.
13.
Hummingbird 03:44
Talk to me. I see you hide your eyes. The crypt is calling you: show me your eyes Still be heard Just a flower cracked through the pavement side Your coffin’s calling you: break through the lies Eat your words You tried to comprehend the rust, the stains Still I Make the wish that you won’t cut your wrists And call it suicide Where are you going, cyanide? Broken ribs, both Cain and Abel Bleeding on the metal table “What’s the use? You’re absurd!” What’s the word, hummingbird? Your face is your disguise Don’t close your eyes. Walk away from all the petty cliques ‘Cause it’s like politics: you won’t be seen Never heard Your family forgot the music that you called home The windowpane’s frozen: you’ve faced this dragon alone You tried to erase all the shame, The fear that you’ve become, my dear Still I I make the wish that you won’t cut your wrists And call it suicide Where are you going, cyanide? “You run away, you never planned to stay Resort to suicide!” But it will not happen. Stand aside. Wondered what’s beyond the veil When life was just a fairytale “What’s the use? You’re uncured, I’ve inferred, hummingbird.” Your face is your disguise Don’t close your eyes “There’s no point, no turning back No help for helpless minds!” And I realize that if you took your life, It’s just like if you hide So don’t you dare. “Kill the leeches! Slay the demons!” Temptation controls your feelings What’s the use? That’s absurd! Speak the words, hummingbird! Your face is your disguise But what comes next is the surprise.

about

An anthology of stories, covering topics that can kill a person. Growing apart from a friend, not fitting in with one's family, rejection, bipolar disorder, sexual assault, grief, self harm, unrequited love, toxic homes, miscarriage, mixed episodes, watching loved ones hate themselves, and suicide. This is The Obituary.

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released February 9, 2020

Written, recorded, and performed by Kelly Cameron
Produced by Owen Reimer
Edited by Kelly Cameron
Edits begrudgingly honoured by Owen Reimer
Photography by Luca Papini

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kelpi Vancouver, British Columbia

Hailing straight from the faerie realm, kelpi is still trying to figure out how human life works. She's doing her very best to tell her story through song~~~

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